Unpleasant as it is, sibling rivalry is a normal part of childhood. The good news is that it is manageable.  Understanding the ‘why’ behind sibling rivalry and providing kids with important emotional tools to deal with it makes a big difference.

So why is sibling rivalry worse with some kids than others? According to the Mayo Clinic four factors come into play:

  • Age Span: competitive behavior is more common when children are close in age
  • Gender: sibling rivalry is more likely between children of the same gender
  • Birth Order: middle children are more likely to act out
  • Divorce & Blended Families: children of divorce are more likely to compete for the attention of the custodial parent, even more so if step-siblings are in the mix

What Drives Sibling Rivalry

More often than not, the motivating factors behind overly competitive behavior are the need for a parent’s attention and feelings of powerlessness. Parental attention is a critical need in every child and plays a significant role in their emotional development.

In situations of sibling rivalry, the initiating child feels “less than.” It’s not so much about specific situations as it is about a child needing his or her parent’s attention and feeling that the attention is being directed to their sibling instead.

Remember, children equate parental attention with love.  When they feel that attention or love is being denied, sadness and feelings of inadequacy naturally result.

What’s more, when a basic need is not met, it’s normal for anyone to feel frustrated.  In the case of sibling rivalry, that frustration is compounded because children haven’t developed the emotional maturity to express their needs constructively.

Strategies For Dealing With Sibling Rivalry

The truth of the matter is that life isn’t always fair and we don’t always get what we want.  In dealing with sibling rivalry, the answer isn’t to reward unacceptable behavior or to solve disagreements for your children.  Doing so will not prepare them to cope with the world as an adult.

The solution is a simple strategy that includes two components: parental sensitivity and modeling healthy emotional tools. The goal is to prepare kids to resolve conflicts on their own and to develop the ability to communicate their needs.

Parental sensitivity

This means being aware that certain dynamics or situations may be difficult for your child, especially when the age span, gender, birth order or divorced family factors come in to play.  This doesn’t mean you must avoid difficult situations. Rather, re-framing a situation can help diffuse it.

Birthdays, for example, can be challenging when sibling rivalry is in the mix.  One way to offset feelings of resentment is to make children’s birthdays a family affair.  Along with traditional birthday celebrations, add new traditions centered on the birthday child and their siblings showing appreciation for each other.  This can be done with big sibling/little sibling presents, for instance, where the birthday child selects and presents their sibling with a token of appreciation.  It could be a small gift, a verbal acknowledgement, an activity they do together, their favorite food, etc.

The idea is to acknowledge the importance of all the members of the family and to show appreciation.

Parental sensitivity also means being aware of each child’s needs.  As challenging as it can be to juggle family, work and other responsibilities, it is important to set aside quality one-on-one time regularly with each child.

Remember, children need their parent’s love and attention.  A major expenditure of money isn’t necessary.  Baking a favorite food, taking a walk, visiting your local library, doing a craft, reading a book, playing catch are all good choices.  The important thing is being together.

Encourage your child to help plan your activities.  Giving them a say in the decision helps them feel valued and have a sense of control.

Emotional tools

One of the best ways to stop unacceptable behavior is to model healthy alternatives.  This teaches children conflict-resolution skills.  The steps to address a conflict are:

  • Take responsibility – When conflict erupts between siblings, ask each to explain what happened. Expect to hear “I did this because he/she did…” Gently remind the child to describe their actions only.  Afterwards, repeat the facts – Susan did this.  Tracy did this. Next, Susan did this.  This helps the kids feel “heard” while focusing on actions taken.
  • Identify feelings – Give each child the chance to explain their choices, and this is important, the description needs to be in terms of feelings. Ask, for instance, ‘What were you feeling before you did…?’ Next echo back your child’s reply.  Thinking through in these terms helps children identify specific feelings.
  • Develop empathy – It’s important for children to understand that behaviors have consequences. Ask ‘How do you think your brother/sister felt when you did…?’ and ‘How would you feel if this happened to you?  This helps them see a “bigger picture” view of the situation.
  • Identify alternatives – Restate the situation as uncovered in the previous step and then encourage your child to identify better choices that are more likely to lead to the results they want, for instance “I can tell mom know I need a hug too” or “I can ask mom for another apple instead of taking food from my brother”

The goal is for children to develop emotional skills to resolve conflicts on their own and become able to communicate what they need.

While sibling rivalry is a normal part of family relationships, it can be managed.  Learning to navigate relationships in a healthy way is a lifelong lesson that will serve them well.

About the Author:

Gladys Ruiz is the Director of Little Children Schoolhouse in Brookline, MA.  After more than 10 years working in Early Childhood Education, Gladys opened the Little Children Schoolhouse to provide a nurturing, loving environment—an extension of her student’s home and family life—in Brookline. Pre-K, Preschool and Daycare programs for toddlers and infants include extra activities, such as weekly music, yoga, cooking, science activities, and field trips.  Both full day and part-time enrollment are available.